Why Aren’t You Good Enough?

good-girl-recovery-marcia-bYou’re tired. You’re exhausted. You feel like you’re being pulled in a million directions at once. Everyone wants a piece of you, and all you want to do is have a moment to yourself. But even if you had that time, you wouldn’t quite know what to do.

You want to keep everybody happy. You’re afraid of people being mad at you. You struggle with what you actually want in your life, and you’re shackled to the idea that you have to be good and perfect to be loved.

There is someone else running your life, and it’s not you.

It’s the Good Girl. She sounds like this:

  • “It isn’t ok to cry. It isn’t ok to ask for “too much”. Anything I ask for is too much. It isn’t ok to have intense feelings. It is even less ok to let other people know you have intense feelings. To be “good”, I must help others manage their intense feelings. I will receive love if and only if I do a good enough job helping others manage the things they carry that I am not supposed to have or show.”
  • “He was playing with my hair. — I shouldn’t let him go there on a first date, here, in the middle of all this….I can’t let myself feel all the pleasure I feel in the moment, and let him know how it feels. I can’t let him see how responsive my body is… Is this okay? Is this too much? Am I too much?””
  • “I’m stupid. Shut up, stop taking up so much space, don’t be so sensitive, just do it (whatever is asked of me despite my needs/desires). If I had only worked a little harder (on my appearance, figure, or task) I’d be much more pleasing to people.”
  • “I will overwhelm people by being too much.  I have to be nice to people, or try to create harmony, even if in my mind I am imagining telling them to go fuck themselves.  I should be on good terms with everyone and I should just be nice and pretend not to be mad at them, no matter what.”
  • “She is so hot. So. Hot. But what do I do with that? What will she think? What will people think? I don’t even know what to think. I can’t stop thinking about her, but I can’t make a move. I feel utterly paralyzed. Maybe if I just wait long enough, something will happen.”
  • “I worry about doing something that will hurt or make him uncomfortable. I put myself second. “He can’t handle it, you’ll hurt him, he’ll feel…, he needs your support, you promised, you’re stronger, you can handle not having for a little bit. You’ll be fine without, you don’t really need it. Asking for something is selfish, it’s not humble or modest, you can take care of that yourself””
  • “I shouldn’t have made out with him at that bar last night. (And it wasn’t even that great, but it would’ve been awkward to speak up).”
  • “I’m threading a needle between tentative and bitch – neither of which is respected or actually capable of really making an impact. And it’s a tug of war between being strategic and being authentic – what if I am nervous or I actually know my shit and feel powerful (or even angry)? There is a real fear that if I truly brought my capacity, power, anger that I’ll be alone.”
  • “I will never find someone to be with, someone to love and cherish me for the rest of my life, if I keep doing my work (even though I love my work, and I’m so, so good at it!) My looks are on their way out and pretty soon no one will want me at all and it will be just kind of icky to be the wrinkled old lady talking about sex.”
  • “I don’t even know what I want. I’m so angry that everyone else seems to get what they want… the nice house, the beautiful kids, the happy marriage. I did what I’m supposed to do, and it didn’t work out the way it was supposed to. Now what? I want to know what the answer is. Where am I going with my life? Why does everyone else seem to have it figured out? What’s wrong with me that I can’t get my shit together?

Sound familiar?

tumblr_l7f4psmHeD1qa5lo8o1_400

It’s Time For the Good Girl To Take A Seat.

The Good Girl is a tyrant, and she knows no mercy. She pins you to an identity so tightly defined that it’s impossible to achieve. Demanding that you be absolutely nice, well-mannered, modest, and selfless, she paralyzes you with self-criticism, limits your power and potential, and stunts your capacity to learn new skills and habits.

In short, the Good Girl is a bitch. And you are her main target.

It’s time to liberate yourself from the tyranny of the Good Girl. Her harsh demands for your perfection will not get you where you want to be. There is someone else you’ve got to be.

Someone who is…. the real you.

Introducing: The Good Girl Recovery Program with Marcia B.

Imagine that you could, just for a minute, put down all that work you do to keep other people happy.

That you had explicit permission to not get it right.

That you could go there. Try things. Take risks. Be vulnerable. Mess up. Have feelings. And to be loved and supported while you do so.

Imagine that you spent most of your time only doing things that you’re delighted to do.

That you attract people who relate to relationships like fun (instead of work).

That you can feel what you’re excited about in the moment, and let yourself follow your desire.

Imagine honing anti-perfectionism as a craft. Doing things even when you’re sure that someone else can do it better. Even when you’re not “ready,” simply for the joy and pleasure that it brings you.

That’s what you’ll do in the Good Girl Recovery Program.

You’ll take baby steps into the world of pleasure and desire.

Experience the relief that comes from not being what everyone else expects and finally getting to be yourself.

aboutDiscover the power of imperfection.

Screw something up and find out it’s not the end of the world.

Get clarity on what you’re a hell yes and a hell no to.

Manage choice and say No when you need to.

And be cheered on for it, every step of the way.

The Good Girl Recovery Program is six weeks, unlike anything else out there. We’ll look at how the Good Girl has shaped your life, and start to break down what it is YOU truly want.

The opposite of being a Good Girl isn’t being bad. It isn’t being a bitch. It isn’t being a rebel.

It’s probably a lot like being you.

Except, you’ll be even more like you than you’ve ever been before. Free. Liberated. Joyous. Delighted.


How do I know?

I was raised a good southern girl, but I knew I had more to give the world than a life of pearls, sororities, and potlucks would let me.

I wasn’t very good at being a good girl. Don’t get me wrong. 

In school I got good grades, didn’t have sex, went to college, and then got a job. But all along the way, I liked to push the rules. Just a little. Not enough to be bad. Just enough to see where the boundaries actually were. You know, dyeing my hair green while lettering in varsity sports. Being the “sober sitter” when my less-well-behaved friends got drunk. Wearing inappropriate shoes with my school uniform.

Meanwhile, I was starving myself, trying to be small, thin, lightweight, invisible. Not to be “too much” for anyone around me. I wasn’t very good at being a good girl, with my interest in sex, my delight in arguing about ideas, and my athleticism. But I wasn’t very good at being a rebel either, with my desire to please, to have everyone get along, and yearning to make and build things with other people.

For years, I battled with the competing voices in my head:

Be sexually empowered! But don't be too slutty. Be yourself! But not if you're feeling awkward.

 

Finally, around the time I was in my late 20s, I realized the answer was in my desire. My ACTUAL desires. Not what I was told I should want by the media that want to make me feel insecure so I’d buy whatever it was they were selling. Not in what the people around me would find easier to swallow or more convenient for them.

But in actually taking the time to notice, moment to moment… what is it I actually want?

:::  How do I feel most loved?
:::  What turns me on?
:::  What makes me giggle?
:::  What has me feel connected to the people I care about?
:::  What inspires me and makes me feel like more is possible in the world?
:::  Who do I (really, honestly) want to be?
:::  What do I want right now, in this moment?

I started speaking up, tentatively at first, and then, boldly, about what I wanted. I invited others in to play with me. I learned to trust my inner wisdom. Over time, I  became someone else.

Not a good girl, and not a bad girl.

I became myself.

Since then, I’ve done stuff I never would have dreamed I could do.

Backstage after taping The Tyra Banks Show.
Backstage after taping The Tyra Banks Show.

I partied with rock stars in New York City and made friends with Olympic athletes. I traveled around the world in (exactly) 80 days, entirely by accident. I have spoken at conferences that include folks from Nancy Pelosi to Nina Hartley.

I have talked about sexuality, relationships, touch and consent, in all kinds of media, including on The Montel Williams Show, The Tyra Banks Show, Penn & Teller’s Bullsh*t, NPR, GQ, Marie Claire, People, Newsweek, Maxim Radio and Cosmo Radio, the Washington Post, the New York Post, and the San Francisco Chronicle.

Those are some of the “big” things, but just as cherished are the small moments.  Holding my nephew and niece for the first time. Picking out the vintage typewriter I wanted. Falling in love, knowing I’d get my heart broken (and being glad for it.) Moving to San Francisco, and knowing I was home. Opening up a journal and penciling in “#41” and thus continuing the writing habit I’ve had since I was 7. Discovering the hollyhocks blooming in my garden. Building elaborate, years-long, nonsense inside jokes with my closest people.

It has been astonishing to see what has come out of me as a recovering Good Girl. What surprised me more is that not only did I like the version of myself that did all those things, other people did too.


lisaM“Marcia has the ability to take a negative problem – what’s wrong with me? why am I bad at this? – and reframe it in a positive light. She helped me focus instead on what *I* wanted out of dating rather than focusing on what I needed to be for other people.

She also provided me with some of the best advice I’ve ever had about dating: if you scare someone off by being you, you’re scaring off the right people! By pointing me in a new direction she gave me the tools that I needed to take responsibility for shaping my own experiences and ultimately my own happiness!”

~ Lisa McKeown, New York, NY


Getting Past “Good” Takes Guts.

Becoming yourself isn’t easy. For most of us, being a Good Girl has been a life-long endeavor. You have lots of practice being a Good Girl and not as much practice being yourself. That’s why the Good Girl Recovery Program goes for 6 weeks. Long enough to see real changes, but not so long that you’ll freak out and run away and not do anything about it all.

Because when you change how you’re being in your life, all sorts of things change around you. There are weird moments, when your kid is all like “Mom, why aren’t you cutting my food for me?” Or when your boss actually gets that you mean it when you say you want a raise. Or that moment when you put your foot down with your partner and suddenly you both know that something’s changed, and it’s real and your relationship will never be the same and you know it’s the right thing to do, even though you would have never done it before.

It’s disorienting to be yourself, after spending so much time being a Good Girl.

That’s Why We’re Doing It Together.

vintage-beach-womenThat’s why you have not only daily support from me, but also from your pals in recovering Good Girlness. We all get to be messy together. To make mistakes and learn together. To discover new things that work better with the people we love. To get cheered on when you take a big step, or when you do something audacious, or when you tell the truth instead of swallowing it. To have a group of people who know how hard it is to say “You know what, I live in my body, and I’m going to start treating it well” or “I have a sex drive and I want to get fucked” and who will celebrate you for that.

And, it doesn’t stop when the program ends. When you join the Good Girl Recovery Program, you’re a member for life. Which means you can ALWAYS turn to the group for support, whenever you want. And, you can re-take the 6 week challenge any time we offer it.

The course starts the minute you sign up. It can last for 6 weeks, or for a lifetime.


What You’ll Learn.

Before we even start, you’ll get your very first assignment, a tool that will help you see exactly what you’re tolerating by being a Good Girl, that will lay the foundation for everything that is to come. From there, we’ll dig even deeper.

Week 1 – October 17th: Clearing Out the Bullsh*t

Being a Good Girl takes So. Much. Energy. In this module, we’ll get clear on what’s sucking your energy away, and how to get it to stop sucking. We’ll also look at:

  • How to get all those people who are happy to tell you what you “should” be doing to shut the hell up.
  • The true costs of being a Good Girl (It’s probably worse than you think.)
  • The ways you’re screwing yourself over without even realizing it (and how to stop)
  • The difference between being a Good Girl and being a Good Woman.
  • How to identify your cheerleaders and get their support
  • Your crucial first steps to recovering from Good Girl-ness

Week 2 – October 24th: What You Really, Really Want

It’s all well and good to say you should listen to your heart. But how to tell what you truly want? In this module, you’ll uncover:

  • The simple rule to tell if something is actually YOUR desire (or someone else’s)
  • The secrets your childhood pleasures reveal about what you want now
  • Your new role model that will guide you into the next phase of your life
  • How to find and capture your Hell YES so that it can always guide you

Week 3 – October 31st: Cultivating a Glorious Mess

Perfectionism is the enemy of being yourself. Often, we get so wrapped up in avoiding inadequacy, we lose access to our own power and creativity. In this module, we’ll explore:

  • The trap of perfection and how to avoid it (however imperfectly)
  • How allowing for a glorious mess leads to both success and happiness (What?!?!)
  • The curse of the Too-Toos (too loud, too slutty, too smart…too much) — and how to shut THAT down, so YOU can open up
  • Why it’s awesome when powerful women screw up, and how we should celebrate it (especially if it happens to you)
  • The magic of the “Brat Box” (my secret for letting it all hang out, safely)

Week 4 – November 7th: Your Body Is Your Own

As a human being, you get to say what happens to your body. But a Good Girl has been taught to go along with things happening that she doesn’t want. This isn’t your fault.  In this module, you’ll find out how to:

  • Embrace your body’s autonomy in a world that wants women to exist for everyone else
  • Cultivate sensuality all over your life and fully feel pleasure in the moment
  • Notice where shame or fear has you contract into yourself, and work with it, so that you can stay in connection with yourself.
  • Practice embodied yesses and nos, so you can hear yourself say it out loud and proud

Week 5 – November 14th: Letting In The Good Stuff

By this point in the program, you’ll be well on your way to all manner of good things coming your way. Now the question becomes, can you let it all in? As a baby, you knew how. It’s just about re-learning how to receive. In this module, you’ll discover:

  • How you limit yourself from allowing yourself to have what you want, and how to stop
  • Looking for love in all the right places — How to be loved in more ways than you’ve had before
  • What expansiveness feels like in your body– and how to cultivate that, any time you need it
  • What radical self-care is, and why it matters

Week 6 – November 21st: Becoming A Great, Grown Adult

After so many years of habitually being the Good Girl, she’s likely to creep back when you least expect it. In this module, you’ll get:

  • Practices for maintaining your authentic You-ness
  • Clues for when the Good Girl is taking over again
  • Customized rituals for grounding into you “Grown-Ass Adult” (or “Great Woman”)
  • Your personalized road-map for what happens next

November 28th – Bonus Call of Bonus-y Goodness

After 6 weeks of finding yourself, you’ll be seeing all sorts of big changes in your life. Time for some dessert! In this BONUS call, we will:

  • Review of everything we covered and where to go from here
  • Receive live Q&A and coaching on how to honor both your Grown Ass Adult and your Good Girl
  • Share your wins, highlights and next steps
  • Get bonuses, praise and cheers!

“Something has definitely happened. Working on boundaries. it seems I am no longer able to put up with other’s bullshit behavior! really. It has been exhausting to try to adapt and over-compromise to other’s shitty behavior and it seems the way I had previously been operating as any good, adapting person would do was say to myself: “well, this doesn’t really work for me, actually I KNOW this doesn’t work for me, but maybe I can spin it if I work really hard on this so I can make it work for me because I want it (or the person, etc.) so much.

Now it seems that if it doesn’t work for me, I just don’t want it as much and am better able to say “this doesn’t work for me”. period.

I loved your direct but kind way, Marcia. I also loved most your skilful ways of showing ways to better communicate, the positivity you breed and the community we created over the few short weeks. Also, I really love your voice. It made it really easy to listen to the recordings!!

I found the way you led the group to be really productive and I liked the way you were able to redirect and stay on topic. Even though we were in a group, I loved the personalized attention (thank you for the letter mailed to me!!) on facebook and during the calls. I really felt like you cared and wanted to get to know me and help out. That felt the most valuable.

~ Stephanie Sky, Dancer & Wellness Coach 2017


How It Works.

When you sign up for the Good Girl Recovery Program, you’ll get:

:: Access to the secret Good Girl Recovery Program Facebook group. (aka “The Living Room”) This is where all of our recovering Good Girls hang out, whether or not class is in session. Get in on the community love! Share your goals, wins, experiences, and insights and be a part of other people’s growth, stories and successes.

:: Seven 75-minute webinars – LIVE and with interactive, real-time coaching (I’m not just gonna talk at you.)

:: MP3 recordings of the classes (so you can listen over and over again)

:: Daily Group coaching.  When class is in session, I will be visiting the Facebook group daily, answering your questions, and giving support.

:: Lifetime membership in the Good Girl Recovery Program group. You will be able to repeat the course when I teach it, stay active in the community, get coaching from me, listen to the latest curriculum recordings, and receive continual support for as long as you like.

:: A collection of my favorite resources, books, links, videos to continue your education and keep you inspired.

:: More bonuses that I’m still scheming up to surprise and delight you.


Sound good? It gets better.

Up until now, the only way I would offer this material is when my private VIP clients pay me thousands of dollars to work with them one-on-one. I LOVE these opportunities to untangle the “be good, be nice, be polite, don’t be too much” scripts, but this is not something most people can afford. So I decided to offer the Good Girl Recovery Program at a fraction of my typical fee without compromising any of the value AND adding in a whole bunch of new stuff that will knock your socks off.

It includes the ENTIRE course with all six classes, and the bonus call with me, the Facebook group, the unlimited membership AND all the other goodies…

The best part? The investment for this course is only $395.

It’s time to put down that psychic load you’ve been carrying. To experience the freedom of doing things for your own pleasure. To get the support you need to take that big step you’ve been wanting to take. To be celebrated in living your truth. And to get lifetime access to a circle of support and practical tools that will help you be more authentically and joyously yourself.

Why so little? Because it’s my intention to make it accessible to people all around the world, no matter what your sexual orientation, gender expression, how you do your relationships or where you live. It’s my intention to make this a no-brainer for you, so we can get rid of the Good Girl, for good. I’m confident will be one of the smartest investments you could make in  yourself.

The next class starts October 17th.

…but you can start getting access to the Living Room NOW.

Calls will be on seven consecutive Wednesdays at 6pm PT / 9pm ET. The course is entirely virtual, so you can take it from anywhere, and all calls are recorded so you can listen again (and again!)

Choose your Early Bird (until September 19th) payment option below.

What happens after I sign up?

1. You’ll be taken to a screen that confirms your purchase and will give you instructions on what to do next.

2. You’ll promptly receive your registration welcome email that will reiterate your instructions.

3. We’ll get you added to the Facebook group as quickly as possible.


545907_10150762650462224_1631845141_n“The difference between the me before starting this program and the the me after the GGRP is that I now totally recognize this panic as my Good Girl jumping in and trying to complete the GGRP “perfectly”- ha! Ya know, beautifully integrating ALL the lessons into my life (even being messy, but in this quirky, certain way) and just magically taking on all the qualities of my most revered archetypes and moving toward what I want in life and, essentially, doing it all seamlessly and with complete grace. 🙂 OH, GG, you are tenacious! So, while I am not walking away from this program with my GG completely reined in, I am walking away from this program with a new awareness of that GG voice, and with the tools to recognize it with compassion and interest, instead of judgement (most of the time 😉 )

Making a mess, doing things half assed, trusting that they universe is conspiring in my favor and opening up to receiving goodness are some of the main topics that really hit home for me. The concept of creating my own definition of “good enough” was also very powerful for me.

I think one of the greatest things about the program was experiencing it in a group setting. I learned SO much from what the other women in the group were sharing, and was inspired and comforted by the similarities and differences between our experiences with the material.

Thank you Marcia!”

~ Jasmiene Hamilton CMP, doula, nursing student/aspiring midwife


Still not sure?

Right now your Good Girl might be quietly freaking out, trying to convince you that this is not the thing for you. She might be telling you that this program will turn you into someone else, make you into a bitch, or an obnoxious high-fiving sorority-girl extrovert, or someone else you are sure you don’t want to be.

If I may, I’d like to talk to her for a moment:

Hey Girl,

I know you’ve been doing a good job keeping our friend here safe and on the right track for a long time now. You’ve made sure she’s been loved and taken care of, and you’ve worked hard to make sure she’s stayed safe. You’ve had good reasons to make sure she colors inside the lines and follows the rules.

And you’ve done a great job! But here’s the thing. There’s more that our friend here is meant to do in her life. She’s got dreams and passions to follow. There are experiences she wants to have. Following the rules means she’s stayed safe, but she hasn’t gotten to take the kinds of risks that will help her have the life she really wants.

I know you’re feeling nervous about this whole Recovery Program, so let’s make a deal. I promise she’ll stay the kind, wonderful, loving person she’s always been. She’ll still be loved and taken care of. She will still be someone you recognize. She’ll just be more… her. More expressed. With more sparkle in her eye, and energy in her step. More lit up and more turned on. Happier. More joyous. And more connected to what matters most.

And, if after 30 days in the program, you don’t think it’s the right thing for her to be doing, I’ll give you a 100% full refund.

How does that sound? Can we do that together?

Choose your Early Bird (until September 19th) payment option below.

 


I had a experience yesterday that seems so simple, but often has eluded me in the past, being a poster girl for a “good girl” nearly all the time. I decided to ask for what I really wanted, regardless of the outcome, and see how often my requests were granted. As I chose people who were serving me, my rate was 100% for over 20 requests. No one got annoyed with me. When I slipped and apologized for being “so difficult” I was reassured that it was not a problem for them.

At the restaurant, I forgot to ask for sautéed onions on my sandwich. I accepted that it was my mistake, and thought that it was too late to ask. Then a man came in and did the exact same thing, but he spoke up about it nicely, and his request was granted with a smile. So I jumped up and asked also, and my request was warmly granted.

At the nail salon, I chose a color, and then would only be satisfied with the exact color. I also asked for tiny specific things like, don’t cut the cuticles, push them back with the stick instead. The color match took three manicurists, plus the manager, to get the correct color. But instead of being bothered by this, they were genuinely happy to accommodate me!

So I was thinking that this is a good way to take “baby steps” in asking for what you want, and erasing some of the “good girl = quiet and undemanding girl” equation.

For a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, over-powered and not having my consent acknowledged, this is HUGE! Marcia, you will always have my respect and gratitude that I was able to do this as a result of your work. Thank you so very much!

~ Barbara Evans, Oakland CA


Like many women, I found that many of my needs and wants (What? I’m even allowed to have those?) took a backseat to the needs and wants of the people I cared about.

Through Marcia’s insightful guidance and the support of the other women in the program, my mindset began to change. Things in my life that I hadn’t at one time realized were issues, started to improve, and I started to find my voice. Through the 6 weeks of the program, this voice became stronger and stronger. The exercises that Marcia provided were challenging and at times, the discussions that we had were emotional for me. We dug deep in order to overcome some thoughts and behaviors set within me for as long as I could remember. This program has given me the tools, the courage and the support to be a “Great Woman” as opposed to a “Good Girl.”

Today, I am taking more chances and living a happier, more authentic and more confident life. I directly attribute this shift in my life to all of the incredibly important work done in The Good Girl Recovery Program.

~ Jen Ramos, San Francisco, CA


“You know that situation when you’re not comfortable with the things you’re feeling, and you’re having feelings about having feelings? Marcia has a way of pushing the stop button on the tornado. I’m not sure how she does it, but it might be magic.”

~ Cass King, Vancouver, BC


I took The Good Girl Recovery Program with the incredible Marcia Baczynski over a year ago, and it was a big game-changer for me. All those little nagging things that had been holding me back started to evaporate as I put into practice the easy, simple, radical tools I learned through this program — AND, I found that I have been able to continue applying these practices in my life on a regular basis, helping me find a lot more confidence, freedom, and the courage to pursue some of my heart’s deepest desires in life.

I highly recommend that every woman I know consider taking this course! You will find your life transformed!

-Mel Mariposa, Vancouver, BC


tanyab“It’s not just that Marcia is an incredibly creative and analytical thinker capable of engineering artful solutions in even the most precarious situations- although she most certainly is. It’s not just that she manages to combine bullshit-free practicality with radical generosity and compassion to give guidance that is useful, inspiring, and kind–even though she does that, too.

The thing that sets Marcia apart as a coach is the constant, unwavering permission and support she provides her clients (myself included) in finding and going for what we actually want–whatever that may be. I have never met anyone so devoted to empowering others to manifest their most honest and fulfilled selves in the world, or so capable of assisting in that process. Every brave choice I’ve made since working with Marcia–and every subsequent victory–has had her wisdom and encouragement at its center. I do not know where I would be without her, but it definitely wouldn’t be this awesome.”

~ Tatyana S. Brown, Oakland, CA


 

Marcia Baczynski is a force of power in a world where women do what they’re told way too often. She consistently amazes me with her keen insights about people and her ability to conceive of unique ways that we can take bigger risks and relate to one another in an effort to create more authentic relationships. She has a wonderful blend of open heart, powerful communication abilities, and agile mind that can tease through a mess of confusion to get to the heart of what is really important in order for a person to grow.

I never hesitate to refer my clients, prospects and friends to her, as I know they’ll be met with a skilled coach who can take them far beyond their own perceived limitations. I recommend only the best and Marcia is one of the BEST! I couldn’t be more excited for the Good Girl Recovery Program. So many women will be changed by this powerful offering!

~Amy Jo Goddard, Women’s Sexual Empowerment Coach, Los Angeles, CA

 

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