Why aren’t you good enough?

You’re tired. You’re exhausted. You feel like you’re being pulled in a million directions at once. Everyone wants a piece of you, and all you want to do is have a moment to yourself. But even if you had that time, you wouldn’t quite know what to do. You want to keep everybody happy. You’re afraid of people being mad at you. You struggle with what you actually want in your life, and you’re shackled to the idea that you have to be good and perfect to be loved.

There is someone else running your life, and it’s not you.

It’s the Good Girl. She sounds like this:

  • “I can’t go out looking like THAT. People will be really unhappy if I do.”
  • “It isn’t ok to cry. It isn’t ok to ask for “too much”. Anything I ask for is too much. It isn’t ok to have intense feelings. It is even less ok to let other people know you have intense feelings. To be “good”, I must help others manage their intense feelings. I will receive love if and only if I do a good enough job helping others manage the things they carry that I am not supposed to have or show.”
  • “He was playing with my hair. — I shouldn’t let him go there on a first date, here, in the middle of all this….I can’t let myself feel all the pleasure I feel in the moment, and let him know how it feels. I can’t let him see how responsive my body is… Is this okay? Is this too much? Am I too much?”"
  • “I’m stupid. Shut up, stop taking up so much space, don’t be so sensitive, just do it (whatever is asked of me despite my needs/desires). If I had only worked a little harder (on my appearance, figure, or task) I’d be much more pleasing to people.”

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  • “I will overwhelm people by being too much.  I have to be nice to people, or try to create harmony, even if in my mind I am imagining telling them to go fuck themselves.  I should be on good terms with everyone and I should just be nice and pretend not to be mad at them, no matter what.”
  • “She is so hot. So. Hot. But what do I do with that? What will she think? What will people think? I don’t even know what to think. I can’t stop thinking about her, but I can’t make a move. I feel utterly paralyzed. Maybe if I just wait long enough, something will happen.”
  • “I worry about doing something that will hurt or make him uncomfortable. I put myself second. “He can’t handle it, you’ll hurt him, he’ll feel…, he needs your support, you promised, you’re stronger, you can handle not having for a little bit. You’ll be fine without, you don’t really need it. Asking for something is selfish, it’s not humble or modest, you can take care of that yourself”"
  • “I have to be entertaining…here for others’ amusement, or else they won’t stick around. My feelings are generally confusing and inconvenient, so best not show them.”
  • “I shouldn’t have made out with him at that bar last night. (And it wasn’t even that great, but it would’ve been awkward to speak up).”
  • “I’m threading a needle between tentative and bitch – neither of which is respected or actually capable of really making an impact. And it’s a tug of war between being strategic and being authentic – what if I am nervous or I actually know my shit and feel powerful (or even angry)? There is a real fear that if I truly brought my capacity, power, anger that I’ll be alone.”
  • “I will never find someone to be with, someone to love and cherish me for the rest of my life, if I keep doing my work (even though I love my work, and I’m so, so good at it!) My looks are on their way out and pretty soon no one will want me at all and it will be just kind of icky to be the wrinkled old lady talking about sex.”
  • “I don’t even know what I want. I’m so angry that everyone else seems to get what they want… the nice house, the beautiful kids, the happy marriage. I did what I’m supposed to do, and it didn’t work out the way it was supposed to. Now what? I want to know what the answer is. Where am I going with my life? Why does everyone else seem to have it figured out? What’s wrong with me that I can’t get my shit together?

Sound familiar?

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It’s Time For the Good Girl To Take A Seat.

The Good Girl is a tyrant, and she knows no mercy. She pins you to an identity so tightly defined that it’s impossible to achieve. Demanding that you be absolutely nice, well-mannered, modest, and selfless, she paralyzes you with self-criticism, limits your power and potential, and stunts your capacity to learn new skills and habits.

In short, the Good Girl is a bitch. And you are her main target.

It’s time to liberate yourself from the tyranny of the Good Girl. Her harsh demands for your perfection will not get you where you want to be. There is someone else you’ve got to be.

Someone who is…. the real you.

Introducing: The Good Girl Recovery Program.

Imagine that you could, just for a minute, put down all that work you do to keep other people happy.

That you had explicit permission to not get it right.

That you could go there. Try things. Dare greatly. Lean in. Mess up. Have feelings.

And to be loved and supported while you do so.

Imagine that you spent most of your time only doing things that you’re delighted to do.

That you attract people who relate to relationships like fun (instead of work).

That you can feel what you’re excited about in the moment, and let yourself follow your desire.

Imagine honing anti-perfectionism as a craft. Doing things even when you’re sure that someone else can do it better. Even when you’re not “ready,” simply for the joy and pleasure that it brings you.

That’s what you’ll do in the Good Girl Recovery Program.

You’ll take baby steps into the world of pleasure and desire.

Experience the relief that comes from not being what everyone else expects and finally getting to be yourself.

aboutDiscover the power of imperfection.

Screw something up and find out it’s not the end of the world.

Get clarity on what you’re a hell yes and a hell no to.

Manage choice and say No when you need to.

And be cheered on for it, every step of the way.

The Good Girl Recovery Program is six weeks, unlike anything else out there. We’ll look at how the Good Girl has shaped your life, and start to break down what it is YOU truly want.

The opposite of being a Good Girl isn’t being bad. It isn’t being a bitch. It isn’t being a rebel.

It’s probably a lot like being you.

Except, you’ll be even more like you than you’ve ever been before. Free. Liberated. Joyous. Delighted.

How do I know?

I was raised a Good Southern Girl, but I knew I had more to give the world than a life of pearls, sororities, and potlucks would let me.

I wasn’t very good at being a good girl. Don’t get me wrong. In school I got good grades, didn’t have sex, went to college, and then got a job. But all along the way, I liked to push the rules. Just a little. Not enough to be bad. Just enough to see where the boundaries actually were. You know, dyeing my hair green while lettering in varsity sports. Being the “sober sitter” when my not-as-well-behaved friends got drunk. Wearing inappropriate shoes with my school uniform.

I'm Marcia Baczynski. I only look like a Southern belle.

I’m Marcia Baczynski. I only look like a Southern belle.

Meanwhile, I was starving myself, trying to be small, thin, lightweight, invisible. Not to be “too much” for anyone around me. I wasn’t very good at being a good girl, with my interest in sex, my delight in arguing about ideas, and my athleticism. But I wasn’t very good at being a rebel either, with my desire to please, to have everyone get along, and yearning to make and build things with other people.

For years, I battled with the competing voices in my head:

Be a sexually empowered woman! (But don’t be too slutty.)

Be bold in your career! (But not too much to scare people off.)

Say what’s on your mind! (But don’t upset anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings.)

Be yourself! (But not if you’re feeling uncertain, scared or shy.)

Finally, around the time I was in my late 20s, I realized the answer was in my desire. My ACTUAL desires. Not what I was told I should want by the media that want to make me feel insecure so I’d buy whatever it was they were selling. Not in what the people around me would find easier to swallow or more convenient for them.

But in actually taking the time to notice, moment to moment… what is it I actually want?

: : How do I feel most loved?

: : What turns me on?

: : What makes me giggle?

: : What has me feel connected to the people I care about?

: : What inspires me and makes me feel like more is possible in the world?

: : Who do I (really, honestly) want to be?

: : What do I want right now, in this moment?

I started speaking up, tentatively at first, and then, boldly, about what I wanted. I invited others in to play with me. I learned to trust my inner wisdom. Over time, I  became someone else. Not a good girl, and not a bad girl.

I became myself.

Backstage after taping The Tyra Banks Show.

Backstage after taping The Tyra Banks Show.

Since then, I’ve done stuff I never would have dreamed I could do.

I partied with rock stars in New York City and made friends with Olympic athletes.

I traveled around the world in (exactly) 80 days, entirely by accident.

I have spoken about sex at conferences that include the likes of Nancy Pelosi and Nina Hartley.

I have talked about alternative relationships, family, sexuality, touch and consent, in all kinds of media, including on The Montel Williams Show, The Tyra Banks Show, Penn & Teller’s Bullsh*t, NPR, GQ, Marie Claire, People, Newsweek, Sirius’ Maxim Radio and Cosmo Radio, the Washington Post, the New York Post, and the San Francisco Chronicle.(At last count, I’ve done media across the globe in twenty-seven countries and at least fourteen languages. Plus that one time, when I was on reality show with Scott Baio. That was definitely out there.)

Those are some of the “big” things, but just as cherished are the small moments.  Holding my nephew and niece for the first time. Picking out the vintage typewriter I wanted. Falling in love, knowing I’d get my heart broken (and being glad for it.) Moving to San Francisco, and knowing I was home. Opening up a journal and penciling in “#37″ and thus continuing the writing habit I’ve had since I was 7. Discovering the hollyhocks blooming in my garden. Building elaborate, years-long, non-sensical inside jokes with my closest people, involving bats, mustard, weird southern accents, infomercials for insane products and cabbage, animated gifs and the patriarchy. (I’d say you had to be there, but you’re probably glad you weren’t.)

It has been astonishing to see what has come out of me as a recovering Good Girl. What surprised me more is that not only did I like the version of myself that did all those things. Other people did too.

lisaM“Marcia has the ability to take a negative problem – what’s wrong with me? why am I bad at this? – and reframe it in a positive light. In a course I took on dating (in NYC no less) she helped me focus instead on what *I* wanted out of the experience rather than focusing on what I needed to be for other people. She also provided me with some of the best advice I’ve ever had about dating: if you scare someone off by being you, you’re scaring off the right people! By pointing me in a new direction she gave me the tools that I needed to take responsibility for shaping my own experiences and ultimately my own happiness!”~ Lisa McKeown, New York City

 

Getting Past “Good” Takes Guts.

Becoming yourself isn’t easy. For most of us, being a Good Girl has been a life-long endeavor. You have lots of practice being a Good Girl and not as much practice being yourself. That’s why the Good Girl Recovery Program goes for 6 weeks. Long enough to see real changes, but not so long that you’ll freak out and run away and not do anything about it all.

Because when you change how you’re being in your life, all sorts of things change around you. There are weird moments, when your kid is all like “Mom, why aren’t you cutting my food for me?” Or when your boss actually gets that you mean it when you say you want a raise. Or that moment when you put your foot down with your partner and suddenly you both know that something’s changed, and it’s real and your relationship will never be the same and you know it’s the right thing to do, even though you would have never done it before.

It’s disorienting to be yourself, after spending so much time being a Good Girl.

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That’s why we’re doing it together. And why you have not only daily support from me, but also from your pals in recovering Good Girlness. We all get to be messy together. To make mistakes and learn together. To discover new things that work better with the people we love. To get cheered on when you take a big step, or when you do something audacious, or when you tell the truth instead of swallowing it. To have a group of people who know how hard it is to say “You know what, I live in my body, and I’m going to start treating it well” or “I have a sex drive and I want to get fucked” and who will celebrate you for that.

And, it doesn’t stop when the program ends. When you join the Good Girl Recovery Program, you’re a member for life. Which means you can ALWAYS turn to the group for support, whenever you want. And, you can re-take the 6 week challenge any time we offer it.

The course starts the minute you sign up. It can last for 6 weeks, or for a lifetime.

What You’ll Learn.

Before we even start, you’ll get your very first assignment, a tool that will help you see exactly what you’re tolerating by being a Good Girl, that will lay the foundation for everything that is to come. From there, we’ll dig even deeper.

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Week 1: Clearing Out the Bullsh*t

Being a Good Girl takes So. Much. Energy. In this module, we’ll get clear on what’s sucking your energy away, and how to get it to stop sucking. We’ll also look at:

  • How to get all those people who are happy to tell you what you “should” be doing to shut the hell up.
  • The true costs of being a Good Girl (It’s probably worse than you think.)
  • The ways you’re screwing yourself over without even realizing it (and how to stop)
  • The difference between being a Good Girl and being a Good Woman.
  • How to identify your cheerleaders and get their support
  • Your crucial first steps to recovering from Good Girl-ness

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Week 2: What You Really, Really Want

It’s all well and good to say you should listen to your heart. But how to tell what you truly want? In this module, you’ll uncover:

  • The simple rule to tell if something is actually YOUR desire (or someone else’s)
  • The secrets your childhood pleasures reveal about what you want now
  • Your new role model that will guide you into the next phase of your life
  • How to find and capture your Hell YES so that it can always guide you

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Week 3: The Art of Shamelessness, or: Cultivating a Glorious Mess

Perfectionism is the enemy of being yourself. Often, we get so wrapped up in avoiding inadequacy, we lose access to our own power. In this module, we’ll explore:

  • The trap of perfection and how to avoid it (however imperfectly)
  • How cultivating a glorious mess leads to both success and happiness (What?!?!)
  • The curse of the Too-Toos (too loud, too slutty, too smart…too much) — and how to shut THAT down, so YOU can open up
  • Why it’s awesome when powerful women screw up, and how we should celebrate it (especially if it happens to you)
  • The magic of the “Brat Box” (my secret for letting it all hang out)

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Week 4: Let’s Talk About Sex

As a human being, sex is a source of power. But a Good Girl doesn’t go there. Not really. In this module, you’ll find out how to:

  • Relate to your sexuality as a source of freedom and power
  • Cultivate sensuality all over your life and fully feel pleasure in the moment
  • Notice where shame or fear has you contract into yourself, and work with it, so that you can stay in connection with yourself.
  • Be noisy, expansive and full with your sexuality, whether or not your partner can handle it
  • Build a sexual relationship with yourself that will fulfill you throughout your lifetime

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Week 5: Getting The Good Stuff

By this point in the program, you’ll be well on your way to all manner of good things coming your way. Now the question becomes, can you let it all in? In this module, you’ll learn:

  • How you limit yourself from allowing yourself to have what you want, and how to stop
  • Looking for love in all the right places — How to be loved in more ways than you’ve had before
  • What expansiveness feels like in your body– and how to cultivate that, any time you need it
  • What radical self-care is, and why it matters

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Week 6: Keeping The Good Girl At Bay

After so many years of habitually being the Good Girl, she’s likely to creep back when you least expect it. In this module, you’ll get:

  • Practices for maintaining your authentic You-ness
  • Clues for when the Good Girl is taking over again
  • Customized rituals for grounding into your true self
  • Your personalized road-map for what happens next

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Bonus Call of Bonus-y Goodness

After 6 weeks of finding yourself, you’ll be seeing all sorts of big changes in your life. Time for some dessert! In this BONUS call, we will:

  • Review of everything we covered and where to go from here
  • Receive live Q&A and coaching
  • Share your wins, highlights and next steps
  • Get bonuses, prizes, praise and cheers!
“Marcia’s teaching style made me feel like I could really have the relationship of my dreams. Many books, CDs and workshops prey on vulnerable women looking for husbands, through their language, marketing, etc. Marcia already starts you out thinking “nothing’s wrong, ” and works from there. It’s that aspect that I feel enabled me to create the relationship of my dreams. Desperation breeds desperation and Marcia doesn’t allow it in her work. She instantly makes you feel at ease, safe and comfortable. I feel a level of relationship wealth that I never felt before.”~ Birgitte Philippides, Celebrity Makeup Artist, New York City

 

How It Works.

When you sign up for the Good Girl Recovery Program, you’ll get:

:: IMMEDIATE Access to the Good Girl Recovery Program Facebook group. (aka “The Living Room”) This is where all of our recovering Good Girls hang out, whether or not class is in session. Get in on the community love! Share your goals, wins, experiences, and insights and be a part of other people’s growth, stories and successes.

:: One 90 minute teleclass and six 75 minute teleclasses – LIVE and with interactive, real-time coaching (I’m not just gonna talk at you.)

:: MP3 recordings of the classes (so you can listen over and over again!)

:: Daily Group coaching.  When class is in session, I will be visiting the Facebook group daily, answering your questions, and giving support.

:: Lifetime membership in the Good Girl Recovery Program group. You will be able to repeat the course when I teach it, stay active in the community, get coaching from me, listen to the latest curriculum recordings, and receive continual support for as long as you like.

:: A collection of my favorite resources, books, links, videos to continue your education and keep you inspired.

:: More bonuses that I’m still scheming up to surprise and delight you.

Sound good? It gets better.

Up until now, the only way I would offer this material is when my private VIP clients pay me thousands of dollars to work with them one-on-one. I LOVE these opportunities to untangle the “be good, be nice, be polite, don’t be too much” scripts, but this is not something most people can afford. So I decided to offer the Good Girl Recovery Program at a fraction of my typical fee without compromising any of the value AND adding in a whole bunch of new stuff that will knock your socks off.

It includes the ENTIRE course with all six classes, and the bonus call with me, the Facebook group, the unlimited membership AND all the other goodies…

The best part? The investment for this course is only $395.

It’s time to put down that psychic load you’ve been carrying. To experience the freedom of doing things for your own pleasure. To get the support you need to take that big step you’ve been wanting to take. To be celebrated in living your truth. And to get lifetime access to a circle of support and practical tools that will help you be more authentically and joyously yourself.

Why so little? Because it’s my intention to make it accessible to people all around the world, no matter what your sexual orientation, gender expression, how you do your relationships or where you live. It’s my intention to make this a no-brainer for you, so we can get rid of the Good Girl, for good. I’m confident will be one of the smartest investments you could make in  yourself.

The next class starts July 15, 2014, but you can start getting access to the Living Room NOW. Calls will be on Tuesdays at 6pm PT / 9pm ET. The course is entirely virtual, so you can take it from anywhere, and all the calls are recorded for your repeat listening pleasure.

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“I grew up thinking that no matter how hard I tried, I would never be good enough. Something I never considered until Marcia is that I had no barometer for what “being enough” or “doing a good enough job” looked like. I had set impossible standards for myself and beat myself up for not meeting them. With her support and skillful navigation of my deeply embedded patterns, I developed a new standard for what “good enough” means to me, one that is both realistic and still pushes me forward. Taking risks feels so much more doable and satisfying now.~ Quetzal Francois, Educator, San Francisco Bay

 

What happens after I sign up?

1. You’ll be taken to a screen that confirms your purchase and will give you instructions on how to download your materials.

2. You’ll promptly receive your registration welcome email that will reiterate your instructions.

3. You’ll have the first steps available to you to your Good Girl Recovery.

Still not sure?

Right now your Good Girl might be quietly freaking out, trying to convince you that this is not the thing for you. She might be telling you that this program will turn you into someone else, make you into a bitch or an obnoxious high-fiving sorority girl extrovert or someone else you are sure you don’t want to be.

If I may, I’d like to talk to her for a moment:

Hey Girl,

I know you’ve been doing a good job keeping our friend here safe and on the right track for a long time now. You’ve made sure she’s been loved and taken care of, and you’ve worked hard to make sure she’s stayed safe. You’ve had good reasons to make sure she colors inside the lines and follows the rules.

And you’ve done a great job! But here’s the thing. There’s more that our friend here is meant to do in her life. She’s got dreams and passions to follow. There are experiences she wants to have. Following the rules means she’s stayed safe, but she hasn’t gotten to take the kinds of risks that will help her have the life she really wants.

I know you’re feeling nervous about this whole Recovery Program, so let’s make a deal. I promise she’ll stay the kind, wonderful, loving person she’s always been. She’ll still be loved and taken care of. She will still be someone you recognize. She’ll just be more… her. More expressed. With more sparkle in her eye, and energy in her step. More lit up and more turned on. Happier. More joyous. And more connected to what matters most.

And, if after 30 days in the program, you don’t think it’s the right thing for her to be doing, I’ll give you a 100% full refund.

How does that sound? Can we do that together?

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“You know that situation when you’re not comfortable with the things you’re feeling, and you’re having feelings about having feelings? Marcia has a way of pushing the stop button on the tornado. I’m not sure how she does it, but it might be magic.”

~ Cass King, Singer/songwriter, www.WetSpotsMusic.net

 

“It was a free class you had last fall… when I came up with the word Stimulation, to describe what my heart wanted most.I have it, now.I thought about listing so many of the ways I feel shaken up and shined up and futurized and revitalized and happy, but there’s too much. I’ll write my own list; maybe I’ll send it later. The thing they all have in common though is that they are, or bring about, new experiences. I need excitement in my life. (And some aren’t even wild; just changes from the norm, like these fun sunglasses I bought that tint things in a way that makes my brain happy.)

I am so happy. I’m making my own life exciting. I am in full integrity, I feel as authentically expressed as I ever have, I have loving and fulfilling relationships. There are challenges and things aren’t perfect, but they’re aweseome.

Thank you for being a significant part of this growth spurt, for inspiring me to be bold enough to carve myself into the woman I’ve always wanted to be. I feel I am the best version of myself I have ever been, by a mile, and only getting better.”

~ Caryn, Editor, New York City

 

tanyab“It’s not just that Marcia is an incredibly creative and analytical thinker capable of engineering artful solutions in even the most precarious situations- although she most certainly is. It’s not just that she manages to combine bullshit-free practicality with radical generosity and compassion to give guidance that is useful, inspiring, and kind–even though she does that, too.

The thing that sets Marcia apart as a coach is the constant, unwavering permission and support she provides her clients (myself included) in finding and going for what we actually want–whatever that may be. I have never met anyone so devoted to empowering others to manifest their most honest and fulfilled selves in the world, or so capable of assisting in that process. Every brave choice I’ve made since working with Marcia–and every subsequent victory–has had her wisdom and encouragement at its center. I do not know where I would be without her, but it definitely wouldn’t be this awesome.”

~ Tatyana S. Brown, Poet and Educator, www.TatyanaBrown.com

 

332822_10150408114448970_9308210_o“Shout out to Marcia Baczynski – I am so grateful for your uncanny ability to articulate big ideas (as if rattling off what you had for dinner), your taking a stand for “hey, people: this stuff is messy,” and your good company (and sage advice) along the path. #damngirl”~ Stella Orange, Wordsmith and Copywriter, www.stellaorange.com

 

737467_10152374268840433_1669284588_o“I think I took for granted how important the piece that Marcia did where I was blindfolded and had to ask for the things I wanted. Now that I am using it every day, I really am appreciating more and more. I love how much I get to ask for the things I want and need and get. Ever since that segment, I am not afraid of being rejected and just ask. Surprisingly, I get what I want more, and it doesn’t really hurt to get rejected. Loving how much this all means to me.”~ Jason Schilbach, San Francisco Bay

 

“I had a great experience with a licensed social worker / therapist that allowed me to get through many difficult times and learn about myself and what makes me tick. While that experience did wonders for me, Marcia entered my life at just the right moment for me to take the next step in the long journey of self-discovery. While I knew myself much better – I was still struggling to communicate effectively with people and to open myself up to intimacy and relationships. Marcia brings a different level of experience and coaching to the table. Each session provided me with actual tools and exercises and tangible things to use in my every day life as a way to gain confidence and achieve my goals. I also like that she establishes goals and sets timelines for reaching those goals so that the work we do together feels more concrete and less esoteric than regular psycho-therapy.”~ Rosanna Tolomei, New York City